Spectacular 01

When I think back on our relationship, I always think about the time we watched that episode of America’s Next Top Model where Tyra makes Nicole and Jayla think they’ve been eliminated, but then she yells BECAUSE WE’RE ALL GOING TO LONDON!!!! and there’s confetti everywhere and Nicole makes a face like she’s been violated, like somebody violated her, and suddenly there’s a Union Jack in the shot and Tyra wraps it around her hips and struts around like that and Nicole cries and cries.

Spectacular 05

When Jenny first moves to L.A. she doesn’t know she’s going to be a lesbian but that’s what happens. We kind of know that it’s where her life is headed, what with the stolen glances and the fact that she’s the main character of a show called The L Word.  Everyone who watches The L Word is happy when she finally makes out with Marina, who is foreign and reads Anne Carson and has dark hair and a cafe. Poor Tim, though. He starts out the show engaged: engaged to Jenny: Jenny who’s a lesbian. There’s not really anything wrong with him, it’s Jenny who’s to blame. Tim, though: he’s a swim instructor, handsome, a good man.

Spectacular 12

At some point it stops being real: the room, the time, our eyes. Bey’s still dancing but suddenly it’s like I’m tripping and she’s not. Out of breath: I could never love you as much as I love “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).” I could never be so bionic. What is a woman: human. Her smile. Her metal hand. Love begets love. Thighs on a screen just killing me; they make their own light. I own this music video: I have paid for it. It is and it is not forever. Beyoncé the woman the real person once danced, wearing exactly that, in a real room. I heard her say in an interview that her mom made the leotards the night before. In the real room there were two other women dancing; there was a flashbulb in the real room. There was someone if not someones operating a or some camera(s). I look at her eyes. Mascara. Leotard. There is a moment for looking and seeing thighs. Black and white, Beyoncé: these are death sentences and I am shattered I am shattered by this screen.